Editor’s Note: This is a fun piece by Gerry Kauvar of The George Washington University. Gerry offered it to us for publication and I think you’ll enjoy the read. It may not be far off!! WSS>

by Gerald Kauvar, Special Assistant to the President Emeritus and Research Professor of Public Policy and Public Administration, The George Washington University

The Business Model of Fly By Night (or Day) University is that of America’s Great Commercial Airlines 

• Don’t pay for what you don’t need!
• Pay only for what you want!
• It’s Your Choice – Make us Your Choice!

Schedule of Tuition Charges and Fees

Tuition: $10,000 per academic year

Fees:

• Seating in first three rows of classroom – extra legroom 4”:  $1,000.
• Seating in last three rows of classroom – restricted visibility  $1250
• Chair pillows  $150 per class per semester
• Snack food:  $1 to $5 per item, subject to availability
• Water, soft drinks, juices: $3 per item
• Fraudulent driver’s license:  market price
• Beer, Wine, and Spirits: $6 to $15 per
• Early registration (first day of registration):  $100
• Late registration (after last day of registration):  $500
• Change of registration (after first week of class) $500 per course
• Change of major:  market price varies by discipline
• Credit for more than one minor: $500
• Courses only scheduled Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday between 10:00 am and 2:00 pm: $5,000
• Assisted hearing devices: $250 per class per semester
• Prescription pharmaceuticals improving attention and retention: $1000-$5000 per semester
• Tutoring:  $100 per hour
• Laboratory fees – vary by subject: $2,000-$5,000 per class per semester
• Course taught by tenured faculty:  $500 per course
• Course taught by tenure track faculty: $250 per course
• Course taught by adjunct faculty:  $150 per course
• One backpack per class (weight under 10 lbs.):  no charge
• Per pound charge for overweight backpack: $10
• Class cutting (unexcused absence) $500 each occurrence
• Wireless internet access:  $50 per course (subject to faculty concurrence; Porn site viewing during class: $500)
• Student tickets to sporting events (per season): Football, basketball: $3,000; All other sports: Discount of 10 percent on any other fee
• Get out of Jail Free Card (subject to availability) $1,000 (misdemeanor other than alcohol: $2,000); $10,000 (felony charge)
• Not informing parents for infractions of federal, state, county, municipal, and university laws and policies: Dean of Students has discretion as to price
• Not informing parents of grade point average or progress toward degree: $5,000
• Housing choice: room reservation prior to official start of sign-up: $1,000
• Roommate selection guarantee: $500 per semester
• Change of roommate:  $500 if you move; $250 if roommate moves
• Meal charges:  Mandatory 18 meals per week: $2,700 per semester
• Mandatory spending at campus facilities: $2,700 per semester
• Eat where you please privileges:  $5,000 per semester
• Medical Insurance: $750 per semester (N.B. excess alcohol consumption rider an additional $1,000 per semester)

Comment below or email Gerry at gkauvar@gwu.edu.